I Want My MTV

Remember when MTV was good? When it had some kind of relevance? No, we'll it has been some time.
MTV not as good as it once was, it's not exactly a revelation I know. But it really was a decent Chanel. Or maybe it has always been awful and I just remember because it in a time when almost all the music information I got was from MTV. That or music magazines.
The post school routine was to switch on MTV News at 4pm.
‘Let’s see what Billy Corgan is whining about and what airport Snoop Dogg is getting arrested at today. Ah no, its that twat Jamiroquai going on about his new Lamborghini. Oh look, I see Courtney Love is back on the smack.

Recently I saw a video on Youtube called why MTV Don't Play Videos Anymore. Watch it below. It sums it up better than me.
So I don’t like MTV as much as I used too. I’m not supposed to. After all its not aimed at people in their thirties. I couldn't even name one song by No Direction. And I'm happy to keep it that way.

The Dream Sequence

"So I was looking out the window and I saw a younger version of myself in the garden. Except the garden was overgrown with tall twisted vines. Then an elephant smashed through the fence and came charging at me so I began climbing up one of the vines. I kept climbing and climbing, I was almost at the top of the vine when it melted like ice cream in the sun. I was falling and just as I was about to hit the ground I woke up."

Its boring hearing over peoples dreams isn’t it.
Even more boring is long dream sequences in film or TV.
Earlier this year I revisited The Sopranos. From first episode to last. Of course its brilliant TV, though for me the weakest episode by far is the one in the fifth series called The Test Dream. The clue is in the name, and features a very long dream sequence.
Just when you think its stopped and we can get back on with the story it turns out that Tony waking up was part of the dream and it goes on for another ten minutes or so.

It’s the sort of episode that wins awards because it apparently shows so much imagination. Whatever, I’m not interested in these surreal moments in Tony’s dreams that may or may not represent some hidden meaning. I’m more interested in the plot and the characters. Not some David Lynch style over substance surrealism.
I've just never managed to make it all the way through a David Lynch film.
No I was never a student with a Blue Velvet poster on the wall.

Sports Personality Of The Year

So well done to Andy Murray for being the first Britain to win a grand slam since other countries started getting good at tennis.

So after so much British sporting success this summer there’s now an overload of contenders for the BBC Sports Personality of the Year. Will it be Andy Murray, Bradley Wiggins, Jessica Ennis, Mo Farah, David Weir or maybe Rory Mcllroy? Or what about… to tell the truth I couldn‘t give a shit who wins. I’ve not watched the cringe-fest evening on the TV since I was a kid.

But whoever even makes it on the list would be a much more worthy winner than when Zara Phillips won it in 2006.
I’m sure you don’t need reminding that she won the individual gold in the three-day eventing competition at the World Equestrian Games in Aachen Germany.

Remember that? Course you do, the nation was gripped as we saw how Zara and her horse jumped over them fences in such style and did that sideways dancing thing to with such grace.

It was so special that the performance can’t be found on youtube. Because of course that would devalue it.

Christ almighty that must have been a very barren year for British sport.

Nirvana On Top Of The Pops

The early 90s, when American guitar bands discovered irony. And then post-irony, whatever that means. They mixed this with a self worth of authenticity and knowing cool.
The best and most obvious example of this is when Nirvana ‘performed’ their breakthrough hit Smells Like Teen Spirit on Top of the Pops.

Maybe the band were annoyed that they were only allowed to perform the vocal live so they thought they would properly take the piss. Jumping about with no relation to the music and Kurt Cobain’s comedy vocal. Its all done with a smugness of ‘this is so beneath us.’ and ‘we don’t even like this hit song anyway.’
Now I really like Nirvana but I can’t stand this performance. Not at the time and twenty two years on it looks even worse.
Its not like they had to go on the show. It wasn’t like someone was holding a shotgun to Kurt Cobain’s mouth. Oh bad choice of words.

The Limpest Of Combacks

I saw a clip of the reformed S Club formally known as S Club 7. That was when there were seven in the group. The comeback is a limp three members.
That’s embarrassing enough in itself, but add to the fact that they are in their thirties, carrying a few extra pounds and singing songs that were always aimed at the youngest end of the record buying public, well it takes cringe to a new level.
I didn’t make it all the way through the song (I defy anyone to) but skipped to the interview at the end. When asked why they’re a few members short the reply was that everyone’s busy, a couple of them are in the theatre and another member has just had a baby.
So they are getting on with their life’s. Instead of desperately clinging on to when they had some success in a pop group back in the nineties.
I almost feel sorry for them. But I don’t because I don’t understand why they can’t just get a job. They will make a lot more money working behind a till or a bar.
And there’s no embarrassment in that.

The Apptentice In Brick Lane

Every year I get drawn into watching The Apprentice. When the series starts I really can’t be bothered with it. Too many faces to learn and it will take about five episodes to realise who I want to punch in the face the most. But eventually it gets a grip on me. The episode that pulled me in this series was when the two teams set up a shops in Brick Lane with the intention of selling junk furniture (passed off as retro, vintage, or so called shabby chic) to the Shoreditch and Hoxton hipster gullible twats. To me this defined what The Apprentice is about, which is: Cunts selling shit to cunts to make money for a cunt.

Smash The Ukulele

On catch up I just watched the Channel 4 ‘documentary’ When Keith Allen Meets Nick Griffin. I use the quotation marks because it was a documentary in the loosest terms. Keith Allen has been doing a few of these vanity project documentary’s lately. Louis Theroux he aint.
In the programmes introduction Allen explained how the meeting had been called off as Griffin called it off at the last minute. Allen persisted, and armed with a ukulele goes to Brussels and tries to speak to him anyway. Which he does.
The first brief interview went nowhere, Allen asking easy questions familiar questions to secure a proper second interview. The second interview was pointless and a third even more so. We know Griffin is a racist twat and this told the viewer nothing more.

My main grip with the programme was Keith Allen and his ukulele. Playing it on the Euro star, in the hotel lobby, in the European parliament, while he’s intervening Griffin in his office. If the thinking was that the ukulele is a jolly fun like instrument that’s the polar opposite to Griffin then it didn’t come over like that. It just appeared pointless and annoying.
Which is how I would describe the ukulele. Sales of the instrument have risen dramatically in the last few years. They have apparently become cool (though I would say more hipster ironic cool, which makes it not cool at all) and are popping up all over the place, like on that annoying match.com TV advert which makes me want to smash the ukulele over the blokes head every time I see it.
Enough, it sounds shit. Play a guitar instead.

ITV Coverage - Waiting For Roy Keane To Snap

I don’t intend to turn this into a football orientated blog, but this week my evenings have been dominated by some great games on the TV.
But there was one thing that(almost) ruined it for me and that was the Chelsea v Napoli match. Not the game itself but the dire coverage from ITV. Its standard to berate ITV’s football coverage, but not without reason.
Since Richard Keys and Andy Gray got booted out, Sky’s coverage has drastically improved. I couldn’t stand him as a player but Gary Neville has turned out to be a decent pundit. As has Graham Souness. The Europa league coverage on Chanel 5 has improved too. Their commentary is at least balanced, unlike the partisan ‘its us against the foreign team’ line that ITV take.
“But you got to cheer on the English team haven’t you?” No, anyone that says that doesn’t understand football rivalry.
Sure ITV want the English team to go through to the next round, that’s the bigger ratings winner after all, but don’t presume that everyone watching does. When Chelsea scored the eventual winner the co-commentator Andy Townsend celebrated with a “Yes, get in there.” Then near the end of the match when Didier Drogba was diving all over the place and feigning injury he described it as ‘clever'. If a Napoli player did that it would no doubt be ‘outrageous time wasting tactics'.
Then there’s the presenter Adrian Chiles who has somehow dumbed down ITV’s coverage even more with his inane meaningless comments such as “you would presume Chelsea to be the fitter team in extra time wouldn’t you?” Chiles gave no reason why and no one in the studio responded to him. Every time he makes a comment like this or some frivolous quip Roy Keane fixes a murderous stare on him. Or maybe that’s just how Keane always looks. I just hope that one day he snaps and throws Adrian Chiles though the commentary box window.
This weekend hopefully.

Stop The Rap

Last Friday night I watched a bit of the programme Room 101. Never knew that frank skinner was presenting it now, that shows how long since I watched the programme. Anyway, Ross Noble was on it and wanted to lock folk dancing up in the room.
If I lived in a quaint English village then I would banish it to the room without any hesitation. But thankful I’ve only seen Morris dancers in action the one time. I was about seven and even at that young age it was apparent to me that they were a bunch of dicks.
Frank Skinner wouldn’t put them into the room and then said. “you might not like folk dancing but how about this:” and then out came some girls in tight tops and short skirts doing an Irish jig. Then another girl started beat boxing and at the end some bloke runs on and starts doing crap brake dancing.
Do I like it now Frank? No! Its so much worse. Haven’t we got over the let’s make something cool by doing a rap.
I heard a discussion on the radio a little while ago about education. A teacher called up to say that a good way to teach kids maths is by making it fun and cool for them. “I call myself MC Maths and I rap the times table to them.”
That blows away the cringe meter.
There’s an episode of the Simpson’s where Homer turn his hat back to front and does a rap. Bart and Lisa beg him to stop, when he does Lisa say to Homer “Promise me that you’ll never do that again.”

Come Dine With Me Menu

Four, maybe five years back I hardly had anything in the cupboard or fridge to eat. I wasn’t a poor student or on the dole at the time, I was just too lazy to go to the supermarket and supply’s were very low.
In this sort of situation you have to improvise. So I cooked up some pasta and added some dried herbs to it. It needed something more, so I grabbed a handful of Twiglets, crushed them up and added it to the pasta. You know, to give it that crunchy marmite taste that it was lacking. Yes I know that its not exactly authentic Italian as such but I had to make the best of what I had.
I thought nothing of it, then a mate of mine knocks on the door, so I let him in and go back to my food. He asks me what I’m eating so I tell him and he looks at me like I’ve committed the worst culinary sin know to man. “Pasta and Twiglets! Pasta and fucking Twiglets! What is wrong with you?”

So he ends up telling people and now if I say to a mate something like “I’ve got to go home and eat then I’ll be up the pub later,” the reply is usually “What are you having, pasta and Twiglits?”
So now I have a reputation as a crap cook. I’m actually alright, but sometimes I do like to fuse things together. Such as my a meal that mixes Italy and Mexican cuisine that I call pasta con carnie.
And my latest concoctions is a combination of breakfast and desert that can be eaten anytime of the day. Its basically just some desert like apple pie or chocolate cake mixed in with a bowl of cereal. I could eat it all day.
If I went on Come Dine With Me I have the main course and desert sorted. I’ve just got to work on a starter.

Hotels

The first thing that I do in when I get into a hotel room is turn on the TV and see what channels they have. Can’t beat sitting on the bed with a beer and becoming accustomed to TV channels in a language you don’t understand. I really think that I could live in one, for a while at least. For a start I would get the room cleaned and towels changed every day or two. Plus I won’t ever run out of toilet roll or soap.
This autumn I’m looking to go away for a few days. Somewhere in England as I feel that although I’ve been to quite a few countries around the world I’ve not been to many places in the country that I’m from.

When looking on the internet at some places to stay (well my girlfriend has and I've said ‘yeah that one looks good’) it just so happened that The Hotel Inspector on Channel 5 was on. Its like Ramsey’s Kitchen Nightmares but with a hotel instead of a restaurant and a lot less playing up to the camera.
Along with giving the place a good scrub The ‘inspector’ was telling the owner of the hotel to get rid of the clutter in the rooms. “What and take away all the character!” the reluctant to take advice owner said in reply.
I’m on the inspectors side, The more sterile and characterless the hotel room the better. I don’t care for quirky inertia with a theme and fancy lampshades. I don’t want ornaments and plastic flowers on the dressing table. You bring your own character to the room. As in the wallet, loose change, beer bottles, snacks, cigarette packet and lighter on the table. Reading material scattered around. Bottle of water beside the bed. Last nights clothes on floor. Bag in one corner of the room and pile of dirty underpants in the other.

Big Brother Free Summer/The Real World

This is going to be the first summer since 2001 that Channel 4 won’t be dominated by Big Brother. It’s a programme that long outstayed its welcome as the formula became increasingly tiring, but at first it was good TV as it seemed more of a televised sociology experiment. Well, that’s what people who were embarrassed to admit liking it said anyway.
I admit it, I watched every episode of the first series. With Nasty Nick and his backhanded tactics, the smug one who raced go-carts, Darren with his non reasons to vote for people, the Irish Lesbian who used to be a nun, and Craig the Scouser who spent most of the day asleep. I watched all of series two as well, and the third, some of the forth, then I usually only watched the first show of each series to see the freak show of wanabees enter the house.
You see the first few series you would grow to dislike the housemates, the last few series you disliked them while they were still walking in. The turning point was the fifth year when to counter the incredibly dull fourth year Chanel 4 cast a whole bunch of celebrity hungry brainless attention seekers.

But Big Brother wasn’t the first reality TV series that I got hooked on. That was MTV’S The Real World. The premises is six strangers from different backgrounds live in a house ‘A place where people stop being polite, and start being real’ as the tagline goes. Well to a certain degree. How real is having MTV put you up in an apartment and film you go about your day to day buisness? But anyway, to get on this show it helps if you are a certain type of person who will be sure to do certain things.
Here are some examples:

A girl the country who has never left her family before and is a fish out of water in the big city. She will be shocked by the decadence but will get dragged out to a club one night where she’ll have one drink and then to the shock of her on looking housemates will get up and bump and grind on the table.

A boy from the country who has never left his family before and is a fish out of water in the big city. He is scared of anyone who doesn’t look like people from back in Hicksville County (Blacks/Latinos/Gays) but eventually he will learn that he can get along with people who look different. In one episode the gay guy in the house will drag him out to a gay club where after originally feeling awkward he will soon seem to be having fun.

A girl who is always analysing her relationship with her boyfriend back home. She will talk on the phone to him constantly and will cry in every episode. They will break up and she will get drunk and make out with random strangers in the club. Then cry some more.

A sexually frustrated religious guy who is a virgin and says he will be until he gets married.

A gay guy who will be loved and hated by his housemates in equal measures. He will drag the country boy or Frat boy or religious boy out to a gay club for his own amusement, though he will say its to show him his lifestyle so they can understand him more.

All housemates will say that they are on the show to ‘learn something about themselves’.

I’ve been watching a few random episodes online. I should really be watching something more educational, like catching up on that Wonders Of The Universe series on BBC Iplayer and pretend to understand it like other people pretend to.

Non Uniform Day

There’s not a whole lot to learn from American high school films or TV series. About the only thing I’ve learnt is that American schools have defined groups of pupils who hang out with each other and only ever mix when a member of each group has detention on a Saturday morning where they bitch, whine and realise that they are not so different after all. Its not like that in the UK, not from my school experience anyway. There wasn’t a gang of dumb ‘Jocks’ who played sports, constantly high-fived each other and had parties at the weekends where they’d drink from a keg of beer and grope cheerleaders. I played for the school football team but we weren’t a gang. And the team captain didn’t go out with the head cheerleader as there were no cheerleaders. And I don’t remember a nerd getting his head flushed down the toilet because they didn‘t do the bully’s homework. And people who liked a certain type of music would still talk to other people who were into a different type of music.
I'm not saying that school was a utopian dream. Far from it, but there wasn't as defined groups as American TV make their schools seem.
Maybe a factor why there's no obviously defined set of groups in UK schools is because everyone has to wear the same uniform. I was happy to were a school uniform because I really hated non uniform day which would happen once a year on Comic Relief or some other money raising thing where you paid fifty pence that granted a non uniform pass. I hated it because it was like a fashion parade, and a couple of days before people would be talking about what they would wearing. I can still remember some kid in my year saying “Well I think I might wear my new shell suit with my Nike Air Max trainers. It was 1990.

The Customer Is Not Always Right

Been watching a lot of food programmes lately. Each weekday at five is Come Dine With Me. Everyone who watches it knows that the food is secondary, no one watches it with the intention of getting a good recipe. The bigger the culinary disaster the better.
Then at half five its Jamie Oliver’s 30 Minute Meals. I know that Jamie Oliver can be a bit of a dick but I do like his cooking as its good hardy meals that are free from pretension. What I’ve learnt from watching it is that I need to get a food processor.
Then there’s Gordon Ramsay’s best restaurant. Its been the same every week. Two restaurants who both cook a certain type of food compete to go into the next round. These restaurants have been voted the best in the country, so there’s a lot less of Ramsay’s swearing rants that have turned into a parody.

But he still hovers around the kitchen telling them where they’re going wrong.
Then they’re tested unknowingly and filmed by restaurant critic types who deserve a punch in the face. In the Thai restaurant the waiter said that he’ll have to call the police if the bottle of wine wasn’t paid for. The waiter explained before hand that if the bottle is opened he will have to pay for it. Gordon Ramsay was astonished with the waiter. I’m on the waiters side. Why don’t you order a bottle that you know you will like? Are you going to get them to open bottles of wine until there’s one that you find suitable? Go wine tasting in a vineyard, not in a restaurant you fool.
On Tuesdays episode food was ordered then ten minutes later the undercover critic wanted to change the order. That’s why there’s a menu. You look at it, pick what you want and then order. That’s how it works. Its like they’ve never been to a restaurant before. They must’ve had so must gob in their food. If I was the chef I know I would've given them a ‘special ingredient.’

A trailer for the next round showed Gordon Ramsay in a helicopter. Why, we weren’t told. Maybe the chef has to come up with a dish using five ingredients while skydiving or something.

The Second/Third Cheapest

Yet another series of MasterChef is starting again tonight. If I come across a cookery programme while in front of the telly then I will usually give it a bit of a watch, but I get annoyed with the way the medicine ball headed one on MasterChief tastes the food. He takes his fork to the plate, scoops up the food and then ever so slowly moves the fork to his mouth. When the fork is almost there he leans his big head slowly towards the fork then puts the fork in his mouth and holds it there for two or three seconds. This dramatised way of tasting food just grinds at me.
Also I usually find the food a bit too poncy. Poncy food in poncy restaurants doesn’t appeal to me. I’ve been to a couple and sure the food was good but about on par as the restaurant I went to a couple of weeks before where the main course cost as much as the fifteen percent tip that I left at the poncy restaurant.

When I was at this restaurant I ordered the second cheapest bottle of white wine. I would’ve ordered the cheapest but the girl I was with suggested the second cheapest and I didn’t want to look cheep. There was a bottle on the wine list for a grand. I found this obscene. The only reason someone would order that bottle is to show off that they can afford to blow money on a bottle of wine that costs as much as an round the world plane ticket. Is the taste in the twenty pound bottle and the thousand pound bottle really worth that greater margin in price range?
In my experience with wine there’s the dirt cheep wine from the off-licence that’s so foul you need a mixer with it. Then the second cheapest wine which is usually fine, and then the rest which all tastes a little better than the second cheapest. My experience with whiskey is the same. But to me the most over rated drink is champagne. It’s glorified cheep fizzy wine. Rather have a beer anytime.

Brand Not A Band

I will watch any music documentary. Iron Maiden tour documentary, I’ll watch it. The Carpenters: Behind the Music, if it’s on I’ll watch it.

Yesterday morning, feeling a bit hungover I had a look on BBC iplayer and came across a Bon Jovi documentary. Girls love the band, even girls that I know who generally have good taste in music like Bon Jovi. But to me they have no redeeming features. Take the name for a start, it’s the singers surname. The terrible power ballads. The terrible soft rock stadium anthems. The guitarists stuck in the 80s look and the way he holds his guitar and makes gurning facial expressions when bending a note on an instantly unforgettable guitar solo. The keyboardist curly perm.

I don’t think I’ve watched a documentary on a band that said so little about them. I learnt that they miss their family when away on tour, that the drummer used to drink a lot but now days likes to play golf on his day off, that after their initial success the band had a few problems and hired a psychiatrist who helped them to get back to communicating with one another, that the bassist is a session musician (there were no shots of him on stage at all), that… no well that’s about it.
One thing that stands out in the documentary sums up the band for me. It’s when Jon Bon Jovi is on the phone to a promoter. There are some hitches getting in the way of putting on a show in Central Park and he says, “I'm the CEO of a major corporation who has been running a brand for 25 years.”
It’s not a band it’s a brand.

On iplayer at the moment there’s the world pipe band championships. Think I’ll give that one a miss.

Serching For Bobby Davro

I don’t usually watch The Weakest Link. It’s just not a very good quiz show, but I caught an episode the other day which was the most cringe worthy television that I’ve seen in a long time. It was a look-alike edition and the contestants stayed in character for the whole show, apart from the Mr T look-alike. I guess that it would be too much to have him shouting the whole time and calling everyone a fool. The Gordon Ramsey look-alike stayed in character minus the swearing. What was the point in that then? How the Sven Goran Erikson look-alike is still getting work I don’t know. Then there was a Marilyn Monroe, a Madonna, and a David Brent look-alike. No, not a Ricky Gervais look-alike but the character that he plays in the office. And when asked to do the David Brent dance he didn’t hesitate for a moment. I couldn’t watch anymore, it was too painful, so I changed channels. Maybe not as cringe worthy as Richard Madley dressing up as Ali G but it’s pushing there. And defiantly not as cringe worthy as Bobby Davro on Come Dine With Me. That’s was beyond sad. Beyond salvation. It’s got to be seen to be believed. So bad that I can’t find it on youtube.
This I can though.

No More Football Phone Ins

Well it’s been a week now and I don’t want to hear anymore about the England football team. Now I’m not of one them English people that pretend to be happy that England are out of the World Cup because they like to appear oh so contentious and edgy. But I’m not disappointed. My disappointment lasted from about when Germany's third goal hit the back of the net to when Emile Hesky came on just after their fourth went in. When needing three goals in fifteen minutes putting on Hesky seemed like a statement from Fabio Capello that said “Fuck it, who gives a shit anymore.” Sometimes I get like that when playing Fifa on the Xbox and losing by two goals near the end of the match. I start hacking over every player. Fuck it, who gives a shit anymore.

When the fourth went in I didn’t care if they got a fifth. I’m glad England went out getting a caning instead of losing of penalties and getting portrayed like heroic losers with people going to Heathrow airport waving their flags to greet the team. Because instead of bleating on about how unlucky and hard done by the England team were losing 4-1 can’t hide fundamental problems in the England set up.
Another plus is if England did go on to win the World Cup. I know it’s hard to believe right now but lets just say that Wayne Rooney stopped playing like a pub team player and changed England’s form around. And some sort of minor miracle happened and England did win it then The Sun would campaign for the team to be knighted. Sir John Terry. It just doesn’t sit right. There would be a World Cup winners song which will no doubt feature the unfunny self appointed fat cheerleader that is James Corden. Side note- Corden, you’ve had a good run but you can only get so far doing your wacky dancing party piece. Now please go away.
Imagine all the TV adverts the players would do. Imagine all the WAGS raising their profile.
Another good thing about England leaving the party early is that all the adverts using England to help sell their products are off the TV. Like that Carlsberg the best team talk in the world advert. The advert suggests that if the team are passionate and remain strong they can win the World Cup. Well I’m afraid that it takes a lot more than that. Like a good first touch and passing to your own player. It’s a Danish beer anyway.
Then there’s that Kit Kat advert (that for some reason features Sol Campbell sighing autographs) that suggests that England can win if you cross your fingers. Sorry Kit Kat but it will take a lot more than superstitious nonsense. Like a tactical gameplan and avoiding defensive howlers.

Three lions. Why? The only lions in England are in the zoo.

Bring Back Kabaddi

I like sport. Or do I, because I’ve realised that I couldn’t care less about most sports.
Football yes. And I’ve always liked watching Athletics. I like playing the American football video game Madden but don’t get the chance to watch the real game much.
I used to watch a lot of boxing but not anymore. Not since the big fights moved to Sky, not since they made the fights pay per view and they come on at four in the morning.
The winter Olympics was on a few weeks back, I would liked to have watched some of the ice hockey but whenever I watched the highlights they had on downhill skiing, (which you can watch for fifteen minutes. Any longer and it’s repetitive boredom) dancing on ice, bowling on ice with brooms or as it likes to be called curling. What makes a person want to take up curling anyway?
I saw a little bit of cross country skiing. If you’re going to put on a pair of skis then go downhill. It’s the Winter Olympic equivalent of speed waking.

Rugby annoys me because it seems that most of the points are scored by a penalty kick. The crowd or players never dispute a penalty because no one realises when an offence has occurred. Then there’s a chance to get three points from the innocuous foul.
Cricket, test cricket especially is ridiculous. It’s a game where they leave the field for lunch come back again then go off a few hours later for tea. They play for five days and the game can still end up a draw. It can rain in the last session and it’s called a draw. Almost five days playing, a light shower and the match doesn’t even get resolved properly. Ridiculous.
Tennis, people try to care about it when Wimbledon is on but that’s all. Couldn’t care less if Andy Murray wins. But how could anyone like table tennis more than tennis? A miniature version of tennis on a table. Brilliant! It’s like preferring table football over the real game.
Basketball, one end to the other, score, score, score, bore, bore, bore.
Formula one, I only pay attention if there’s a crash.

No, really it’s football all the way for me. Or if they brought back Kabaddi on channel 4...