The Functions On Your Phone Don't Impress Me

Phone calls, text messages, alarm clock, the time, calendar, the odd picture every so often and that’s all that I really need from a phone.

Yesterday this bloke at work was taking the piss out of mine. He couldn’t believe that I’m on a contract as it looks like a cheep pay as you go one. My mobile phone is basic but slim line in shape and I took the basic one over one the ones I was offered that had more functions but were bulky. When I’m next due an upgrade I will take a better phone, but only if it isn’t a bulge in the pocket type.
So he pulls out his bulky phone and shows me that it’s got internet and can download videos and whatnot. It didn’t impress me.

I don’t think that I would want internet on my phone anyway as I spend way too much time on the internet as it is and really don’t need Facebook, Youtube, Wikipedia and access to porn whoever I go.

By the way, having the internet on mobile phones is killing the pub argument.

Headline News

Headline news- the weather. Hurricanes and floods that come close to a biblical scale aside, there must really not be a lot of news happening if the leading news is the weather.

A bit of snow is always a sure thing to get some headline news. Reports from around the country of how people struggled to get to work. Cue footage of traffic jams and people waiting for delayed trains. Because of course these things never happen in the rush hour usually. And thanks Mr weatherman for telling me to wrap up warm this weekend. How would I ever function without your valuable advice.

It’s the same in the summer when there is a so called heat wave. [a heat wave in summer? Who would of thought] Some dick of an anchor man is on the beach in some run down seaside town sweating in his suit asking people who have flocked to the beach what they think about the weather. “Ooh it’s so hot, you don’t need to go abroad when you have this sort of weather do you?”
Well you’ve convinced me. Why go aboard when you have Southend-on-Sea?

And yes I know it’s cold out but after all it is winter. It should be cold!
Complaining about the cold in mid-winter is like complaining that public toilets smell of piss.
Not that I hang around public toilets of course.

Gate Crashing Fat Bearded Old Man

Jesus must be well pissed off that Father Christmas is the seasonal face of Christmas and takes over his birthday party every year. I guess that some fat bearded old man in a red and white trimmed jumpsuit with flying reindeer's in tow who delivers Christmas presents to the whole world is just so must more marketable than celebrating the birth of someone born in a stable over two thousand years ago.
Speaking of which - why couldn’t Mary just have the baby in Nazareth? Why did a heavily pregnant woman have to travel to Bethlehem on a donkey? No room at the inn, should of left earlier or made better travel arrangements on your part Joseph.

A bloke at work was telling me that his kid still believes in Father Christmas at age nine.
“I will make sure that it’s the last year he does believe in him, Next year I want the credit,” he said. I agreed.
“If he can’t sleep on Christmas eve tell him then,” I said.
That might sound cruel but age nine and he still believes in Father Christmas, come on.

I found out when I was about six years old. Don’t know how, I guess that I worked out that it was impossible to carry out such a huge job in one night. Kind of how a year or so later I worked out that Noah’s arc was an impossible job that just couldn’t be true. In fact the job of Father Christmas seems more believable than Noah’s and I really should of worked that out first.
When I confronted my dad and asked him if Father Christmas existed he put up no defense for the fat bearded old man. I guess my dad thought it was about time he took the credit.

Directions

This week a woman pulled over in her car and quite abruptly asked me for directions. I paused to think what is the best route to take and due to her rudeness if I should tell her at all.
“You should know, you’re a postman,” she says in a very rude manner.
So I sent her the wrong way.

I’ve had enough of giving directions. It seems that every day someone pulls over and asks me how to get to such and such a place.

I get asked for directions from lorry drivers a lot. They’re usually on the wrong side of town so when I say I don’t know how to get there and just point them in the general direction they look at me like I’m the stupid one for not knowing. No you ‘re the idiot mate, not me. You would think that if you drive for a living then you would have a GPS system or at least an A to Z of London.

I am crap at giving directions anyway. Even if I know where the road is my mind seems to draw a complete blank. It would be easier to give directions if we had an American grid system. But not if you give directions like they do.
“Walk four blocks east, then turn on fourth and seventh then walk two blocks and it’s on seventh and Washington.”
Err, yeah thanks mate, I will get out my map.