‘The secret to a happy ending is knowing when to role the credits’
Cinderella.
So she goes to the ball tries on the shoe and it fits so the prince asks her to marry him. [because absolutely nobody else could possible have the same size feet as her]
Then a few years later the prince develops a bit of a drinking problem, he becomes abusive towards her. She gives him one last chance and then he changes his ways. They’re happier than they’ve ever been but then Cinderella gets some kind of wasting disease and she dies a slow horrible death. The prince is broken hearted and hit’s the bottle more than ever. He dies alone in a puddle of his own puke and shit. The end.
The Princess and The Pea.
The prince cannot be certain that the girls he’s met are real princesses. [because of course he has to marry into another inbred family like royal families always do]
Then a rain drenched girl who claims to be a princess seeks shelter in the castle, She sleeps on a bed of twenty mattresses. The mother of the prince puts a pea underneath the mattresses. When asked is she had a good night sleep the girl complains that she was kept awake by something hard in the bed. [Ungrateful cow, stay out in the rain next time.] The Prince rejoices [because of course only a princess would have the sensitivity to feel a pea under all that bedding. So obviously that is the girl for him] and they marry.
Mainly due to sleep deprivation the princess turns out to be a grumpy bitch and the prince is happy when she falls from thirty mattresses to her death.
While on the subject of fairytales I recently bought a paper that had a supplement with fairytales in. One of them was Snow White. A few things that I noticed about the Snow White fairytale:
When the queen asks the mirror who is the fairest of them all and the mirror tells her it’s Snow White, at the time Snow White is seven. Seven! The mirror should be put on the sex offenders list!
The huntsmen is ordered to take Snow White into the forest to kill her and bring back her lungs and liver as a token, but he lets her go and brings back the lungs and liver of a young boar which the queen eats in a stew. Even Hannibal Lector drew a line at eating kids.
In the forest she meets dwarfs who basically say that she can stay with them if she acts as their slave.
After a couple of failed attempts the queen poisons Snow White with an apple. The dwarfs put her in a glass coffin and place it on the mountain-side. Some time passes [doesn’t say how long, so lets be generous and say three or four years which would make snow white about ten or eleven] when a prince sees Snow White in the coffin and asks the dwarfs if he can have it because he can not live without the sight of Snow White. That's the dead eleven year old body of Snow White!
He takes the coffin and she wakes up when the piece of poison apple dislodges from her throat and he asks her to marry him. [Well Jerry Lee Lewis married his fourteen year old cousin.
Then for some reason the wicked queen is forced to dance in iron hot shoes until she dies]
They live happily married until Snow White found out that he has a thing for young dead looking girls I.e. young Goths, and leaves him.
1 comment:
I make you right, I mean look at Hansel & Gretel. After their ordeal at the hands of the evil woman/witch, Hansel went on to become a paedophile who would drug small children with his candy like treats and Gretel, well Gretel went on to become a backstreet abortionist in post war Dresden, she was particularly known for her violent methods that utilised an egg whisk (thought to be one that she secreted about her person when leaving the gingerbread house).
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