Cat Rustling

Don’t feed the cat I told my housemates. Why not they said? Well it isn’t ours for a start. How do you know it isn’t a stray? It has a collar around it’s neck. But it’s so cute, don’t you think? It’s a cat, so what. But we have mice and the cat will get rid of them. I will set some mouse traps, we don’t need a cat to do the job. Why don’t you like cats? There’re lovely animals. If they are so lovely then why are thay one of the only animals that kills just for the fun of it? We can feed it until the mice are gone. Cats are so disloyal you only have to feed it a couple of times and it won’t stop hanging around.

They didn’t listen and I was made to look the bad guy for not acting all soppy towards it. Then it’s mate turns up for a visit, then the both of them are hovering outside everyday. So now there are two cats that they're leaving food out for. I had had enough, I chased them off. They came back. I through a glass of water on them. They came back. I hosed them. They came back. I ask my mate how to get ride of them and he suggests the river Roding. Something less extreme as that I say. He suggests chilli powder. So I put chilli powder in their food. They came back. Resilient fuckers I must admit.

Then the cat gets pregnant. I told you not to feed the cat, now we have a whole family. Don’t expect me to buy cat food, it's not my problem.

So in the garage the cat gives birth to four kittens. Of course they all take soppy into overdrive, talking baby talk to the kittens. “You’re a lovely little thing arnt you? Yes you are, yes you are. They are just so sweet, blah blah blah.”

The landlady says that the kittens have to go, and she doesn’t want any cats in the house. So one of the girls makes arrangements for people to collect the kittens. By this time the Romanian couple who live in the house have taking a shine to the white kitten and think it’s theirs. I tell the Romanian bloke that the landlady says they have to go. He won’t listen. Someone comes around to collect a kitten. He is adamant they don’t take the white one. Soon only the white kitten is left. He makes it clear that he is keeping the cat. So on a Friday night I am walking to the train station to meet a girl who is going to take the kitten. Yes I put the kitten in a bag and smuggle it out of the house. Cat rustling on a Friday night. I am left to do the dirty work. Me who said not to feed the cat in the first place.

It all came to a head. A kitchen showdown. “I will get my kitten back, I love that kitten, who let the person in the house to get it?” he repeated while looking at me. I told him that the landlady said they had to go. He knew I had a major part in giving it away. He said that he and his wife will be moving and they want to take the mother cat. Fair enough, all that’s well that ends well.

Since the kitchen showdown there hasn’t been any hostilities. In fact he has been very reasonable towards me, friendly hellos and asking if I have had a good day. Something’s up. If it was part of a mafia film right now I would be worried about getting whacked. It’s not a mafia film but I might start locking my door at night.

Don’t feed the cat I said.