Anyway, when I’ve been out at live music venues around London (the type of places where the bands have to get as many mates down as possible so they will be allowed to play at the venue again, and maybe make twenty quid between them) I’ve often made up my mind that the band is crap before they even play a note. And almost always they are.
You can also see a picture of a band or read an interview with them and make a judgement, for instance I new that The Darkness were a big pile of dog shit just by looking at a picture of the singer in a cat suit. And guess what, they were. Though for a while there were people who new this but still bought their records.
So here’s some ways to tell if a band is crap before even hearing a note:
The bass player straps on his bass just below his neck
Usually in funk rock, the bassist will throw in a bit of slap to show what an accomplished musician he is and will usually move his head back and fourth like a pigeon.
The Drummer has a gong
This is more likely to be seen in a prog rock documentary on BBC 4 than at the Hope & Anchor on a Tuesday night but the band in that documentary won’t be too good.
The keyboard player wears a cape
Same sort of band as the drummer with the gong.
The guitarist has an ugly pointy guitar
These guitars sometimes have a pointless handle built into the body. They were popular with hair metal bands in the mid 80s. If you see a guitar player strapping one on then he will no doubt play fiddle solos that don’t impress anyone but himself.
When asked in an interview what their new album is like they say “Its got something for everyone.”
It hasn’t, they are just widening their net and catching nothing.
Noel Gallagher says that they are his new favourite band
Don’t listen to him.
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